I had a dream that Derek died, in a car crash, right down town. Everything was so fucking real. I drove around on the streets here, I talked and saw people I knew. I just went around trying to deal with it, there were still parts of the car in the intersection where he was hit.  My friends and family kept asking me if I was ok, I was crying all the time…

And then I woke up. I was already crying, I felt like my heart was gone, I had a moment of confusion until I looked over and there he was sleeping. I woke him up and he hugged me until I fell asleep.

And then it fucking continued.

The dream fucking continued right where it fucking left off. I was dealing with his death for what seemed about 4 days. Again I was living my life without him, informing people that he was gone, I had my friends and family still asking how I was doing. I would scream into a pillow and cry, not caring how loud I was, I couldn’t stop it. It ended with Jason and I driving somewhere, and Derek and I’s song came on, Sick Puppies ‘All the Same’. By this is our song, I mean we put it on all the time and I always sing it for him and make him smile. In the dream I started singing like I always do, and the part comes on where the lyrics say ‘I don’t mind, I don’t care, as long as your here’. And I couldn’t finish the sentence, and I started bawling.

And I fucking woke up again, bawling my eyes out. And there he was just sleeping and calm as ever. I had to wake him up again. And I got up and took a shower, and I want to go back to sleep but I don’t want to dream anymore. My chest still hurts. It was just so fucking real.